Life is a roller coaster; you can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy!
I missed the Monday Word of the Day last week. I realize this, and I’ll explain why. I’m sure that posting nothing but Monday Word of the Day posts has been, well, boring to a degree. I apologize for my recent absence. I’ve been under such stress lately that my world has caved in on me. I could not post on Monday because I was beginning that downhill slide.
Nothing terrible has happened; at least as far as I know. I’ll show up for work tomorrow, and assuming they don’t show me the door, then nothing terrible has happened. No, I haven’t done anything (as far as I know) to deserve being given the boot, but when my brain insists on jumping on the emotional roller coaster of what I assume are hormonal fluctuations or mood swings, I have no choice but to sit down, shut up and hang on.
I’ve been under terrible stress lately, and I thought I was handling it rather well. Work has been really really difficult, with lots of things happening that make me feel inadequate on the job, and it all finally became too much for me and I, quite literally, imploded emotionally this weekend. It’s that whole straw on the camel’s back, you see. And a lifetime of feeling insecure, inadequate and a complete and utter failure. I came home from work this past Thursday and when I woke up on Friday morning, I could not face going to work. I called in sick, and while I was emotionally sick which resulted in unfortunate intestinal distress, it wasn’t catching. But I would have been no good to anyone at work. Fortunately, today was a holiday, and while I should have gone in to work to make up for Friday, I didn’t. I needed the mental health day. This is why the worry about being shown the door.
I have to assume it’s menopausal hormones that contributed, but I have been on an emotional roller coaster the past four days. It all came to a head on Saturday, when I quite literally was in a puddle of tears most of the day. It just felt like my world imploded, and nothing I could do or say to myself helped. I felt like a complete and utter failure as a person, as an employee, as a daughter, as a friend, as a mother, as a human being. What kept going round and round in my head is that I am nearly 55 years old and have managed to accomplish nothing in my life. I am a near hermit on the weekends in the evenings, and I like it that way. I then feel guilty because I am being so anti-social. I’ve been married and divorced three times, I’ve no material success in life whatsoever, I was feeling like an imposter on my job, that someday someone was going to realize who complete and utterly inadequate I am at my job. I was feeling lazy, and fat, and completely and utterly worthless. I was a mess. I was an emotional puddle.
I’ve managed to push most of my friends away and have developed a social anxiety, I do believe. I am so fearful of rejection that I push everyone away. I’m sure everyone is only being nice to my face while talking trash about me behind my back. I mean, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re NOT after you; am I right?
I know, it’s ridiculous (I hope). I had what I now realize was a very severe panic attack. I don’t know if it is hormones, midlife (okay, I’m not going to live to be 110 so I’m s-l-i-g-h-t-l-y past midlife, but who’s counting?!?) stress, or all three, but I had a complete and utter meltdown. I know. I was a mess.
I managed to pull myself together and have crawled out of that bottomless pit, but I am still feeling the after effects. It has been quite the emotional roller coaster this weekend. I realize that most of my life, I’ve lived with a low level of anxiety all the time. Why that is, is fodder for a therapist’s couch but what I’ve come to realize is that I have to learn to love myself. And I struggle with that, because I don’t feel I’m worthy. And quite honestly? I don’t know how.
I’m better now. I’m sure I will be fine. But it is going to take some work, and some learning. I do matter, to myself and to God, and my dearest love in Chicago, who cannot be mine. The hardest part is that I had no one to turn to, because I didn’t want to burden anyone with my mess. And so it becomes a vicious cycle that results in the occasional emotional implosion.
But I am picking myself up, dusting myself off, and trying to throw my hands up in the air and enjoy the ride!
I’m going to skip the Monday Word of the Day tomorrow. But it will be back, next week. And so am I. Thank you for your patience. Sit down and keep your hands inside the car at all times. This is a dark ride!
Ta ta for now!